proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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