Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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