bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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