No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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