I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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