I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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