I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize