omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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