When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
