He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
