Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
