I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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