She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
