The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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