Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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