There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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