remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
