I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
