just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pants are for mortals
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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