Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
