alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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