You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
