god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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