I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
