It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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