Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
