you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize