totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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