she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
