Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
