When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
