A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she pinky promised me she was 18
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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