Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
