Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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