hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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