dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
