he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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