i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
50% drunk capacity currently
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
