Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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