When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
