Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
