Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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