My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Sorry about my life...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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