That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize