Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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