watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
