I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
