Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
