I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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