The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
