Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize