I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
