Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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