Soap is not a condiment
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
