I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
