Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
