yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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