You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
