I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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