I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
