I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
