wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize