just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I could fuck to npr.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
