I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
