Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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