This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
