College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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